Casting Call: Live Action Archer Movie

With 6 seasons completed since it’s inception in September of 2009, “Archer,” an adult-themed and off-beat faux-espionage animated series, has undoubtedly won the hearts of FX viewers near and far.

At what started as ISIS (no not that ISIS) or the International Secret Intelligence Service in New York City, the seemly suave and unequvically self-absorbed covert operative, Sterling Archer spends his days dabbling in global espionage. There he must routinely appease his overbearing mother and employer, Malory Archer, deal with his vexing ex-girlfriend/fellow Spy/baby-momma, Lana Kane, and survive the stupidity of his fellow ISIS employees (amplified by his own).

As the show enters is 7th (and perhaps final) season, we here at FilmFad got to thinking… What’s next? Well the sitcom formula has recently been 6 or 7 seasons and a movie, but what if the movie was live action?! Yes… Live Action. As in real people. Well, without further flogging any deceased equine creatures, this is what we’d like to see if our live action “Archer” fantasy became a reality.

Sterling Malory Archer – Dylan McDermott

Gee, I don’t know, Cyril. Maybe deep down I’m afraid of any apex predator that lived through the K-T extinction. Physically unchanged for a hundred million years, because it’s the perfect killing machine. A half ton of cold-blooded fury, the bite force of 20,000 Newtons, and stomach acid so strong it can dissolve bones and hoofs.

Sterling Malory Archer is voiced by the one and only H. Jon Benjamin (“Bob’s Burgers”) on the hit FX animated series by the same name. Codenamed: Duchess, Archer is considered the world’s most lethal covert operative. Although extremely egotistical and self-involved, Archer shows extreme skill in generic movie-spy skills including but not limited to weapons, tatical driving and martial arts. His only real interest in his mother-selected career path is the opportunity to enjoy a fast paced lifestyle burgeoning with sex, drugs, booze, near death experiences, island lacrosse and black turtlenecks… just not crocodiles.

Dylan McDermott IS the real-life Archer. With a jawline that could cut diamonds and a voice rougher than brillo pads, Dylie Mc’D is the man for me… wait… “phrasing?” Looks and vocal vibrations aside, McDermott has the acting chops and body of work to take this live action character too the… wait for it… “Danger Zone.”

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Pam Poovey – Amy Schumer

I swear to god, you could drown a toddler in my panties right now! I mean, not that you would.

Pam “the Painbringer” (I made that up) Poovey (I did not make that up) is an no-holds barred bad-ass mixed with a slovenly slob. When she is not street racing, or making frienemys with the Yakuza, she is probably finding creative ways to consume cocaine. The uncouth and un-filtered Pam is a perfect fit for the equally raunchy and untamed Schumer. With an abundance of sexual innuendo and self-deprecating rhetoric, Schumer is undoubtably a real-life Pam. Just add on unabridged back tattoo and a complete disregard for everything.

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Cyril Figgis – Chris Parnell

Well, for your information, Cyril Figgis knows how to beat the worm.

Cyril Figgis is voiced by Chris Parnell and (although this may come across as lazy) SHOULD be played by the highly-funny SNL alum as well. Cyril is an ISIS comptroller and inept field agent… sometimes. In the 5th season, he was briefly the President of San Marcos amidst a bloody revolution partly staged by the CIA. Cyril is a rigid, ISIS lackey and Sterling’s favorite target for ridicule, usually without Cyril’s knowledge… or with it.

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Mallory Archer – Hellen Mirren

If I cared about what you do on the weekend I’d stick a shotgun in my mouth and pull the trigger with my toes.

Malory Archer is the H.B.I.C. (yeah, I said it!) or maybe the Chief Executive Officer of ISIS. Malory reigns over her employees with kantian ethics and a booze-filled logic. Malory is the emasculating mother to Sterling Archer, who not only gave him the middle name “Malory” but also the codename “Duchess” after her late afghan hound by the same name.

The person who invokes the most similar personality and brings the right look would be Helen Mirren. Take her British classiness and her “Red” espionage skills and you have an acutely accurate live-action Malory Archer. She’ll just have to work on her American socialite accent.

Sidenote: This may have been Ryan’s pick… I was going with either Diane Lane or Dame Judi Dench.

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Lana Kane – Aisha Tyler

So, what would you say if I told you that your mother made a phony bomb threat just to get a free ride on a blimp?

Lana Kane is defined by her beauty, strong presence of will, prime tactical prowess and… um… her large hands.  The animal rights activist turned covert operative generally displays the most sensibility and political correctness relative to the rest of her associates, but she will infrequently have an ethical lapse which typically takes a turn towards Pain Ln. (that means violence).

Aisha Tyler is a no-brainer as she not only resembles her character to a T, but she also sounds EXACTLY like her (mainly because she is the one who voices Lana). With her various works, including a temporary stint on “Friends,” the beautiful Tyler is the ideal vessel for which to bring for the Lana of Kane.

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Dr. Krieger – Jason Mantzoukas

Doctor Krieger: And so a small power unit goes here on your… spiney… thing, which sends electical impulses to your muscles and ligaments and… stuff, which I will fuse to a vanadium alloy endoskeleton, replacing your current, uh, leg… bones.
Ray Gillette: I have to say, it kind of worries me that you don’t know the names of the actual bones.

What can we say about Krieger… hmm. Well, for one he’s f$%&ing bats*t insane. Albeit ever so bizarrely used, Dr. Krieger’s scientific genius is undeniable. From his anime consort to his clone encounter, Krieger requires a certain type of actor to properly bring to life the peculiar nuance of his mad0e for animation personality. Only “el Cunado” can do the job and if you don’t get my “The League” reference I’m talking about Jason Mantzoukas. Take Jason’s Raffi from “The League” and blend him with his character from “The Dictator” and BOOM… Krieger. Although Mantzoukas isn’t a perfect physical match, I think he has the idal proven on-screen persona to pull off the character.

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Cheryl “Carol” Tunt – Isla Fisher

Sploosh!

Cheryl R. Tunt is Malory’s vapid and depraved secretary. Although she was initially infatuated with Archer, she has over time become much more liberal with her sexual depravity. Cheryl is known for many things. She is the daughter of a wealthy Railroad Tycoon, has a pet ocelot named Babou and she has a penchant for being choked (as evidenced by Krieger’s Choke-Bot). In the early days of “Archer,” Cheryl used to change her name to appease her coworkers, she has since embraced (perhaps micro-chip induced) her personality (personalities) and created a new genre of “Outlaw Country!”

Although Cheryl is voiced by the highly talented Judy Greer, when I envision Cheryl Tunt in human form I see Isla Fisher. Fisher’s role from “Wedding Crashers” can almost single handedly secure her as the ideal pic, but a nail in the coffin and affirmation bonus would be that she looks like her too. Let’s go team popsicle (“Phrasing?”).

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Ray Gillette – Neil Patrick Harris

Well, except for Randy Muckler, who, turns out, was just leading me on to get out of the draft, so I made a phone call to the draft board and now who’s laughing Mr. Hooks For Hands.

Ray, being one of the more optimistic agents, has taken a lot of his mis-dealings in stride… or roll? From the multiple crippling accidents and near life incidents often caused by Archers brazen attitude Ray has remained a trustworthy friend. The razor witted (see what I did there?) field agent is not always so squeaky clean. He’s used company money to fund his Malaysian sex slave habit, in addition to hurling acerbic insults at his co-workers (mostly Archer).

For the combo of witty and sh*tty (let me finish) I would say with certainty that NPH is the man for the job. When I say sh*tty I am referring to his moral compass in shows like “How I Met Your Mother” and Joss Whedon’s prelude to “The Avengers,” “Dr. Horrible’s Sing-A-Long Blog.” Add the looks and you have the perfect live action Ray Gillette, man’s man… “Phrasing.”

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Woodhouse – Jonathan Pryce

Gave birth to you right there on that greasy bar. I cut the cord and I’ve been with your family ever since.

Okay, you might be thinking that I am doing Jonathan Pryce a HUGE disservice by relegating him to the role of a heroin addict who is peculiarly subservient. Well, I say it’s an honor! Why? Woodhouse was originally voiced by the late George Coe, an American screen legend. So, with that said, I would say that the live action Woodhouse would require an equally seasoned player to… play him. It’s only fair.

Do you agree? Do you disagree? Who would YOU cast in a Live-Action “Archer?” We want to know, so tell us in the comment section below!